Teen Craze

Here on the eleventh day of 2010, almost three weeks have passed since my last blog. Is that long enough a respite from reading my drivel? Too bad. Take a deep breath, because here I go again...

So 2010 ushered in a new decade. Some will nitpick and say that the dawn of the twenty-teens is just a product of the calendar’s arbitrary starting point. But that’s no fun. And besides, it’s always fun to aimlessly speculate what the next ten years will bring.

For instance. By 2020:

1. English vernacular will have decided what to call the years between 2010 and 2019 in casual conversation.

Think about it. How long after September 11 did it take for people to refer to the disaster as 9/11 (i.e., “nine-eleven”)? And who decided that anyway? Probably some news pundit or political figurehead threw 9/11 out there, along with numerous other phrases that were tossed around. Each phrase probably competed for popularity, until after months and months, we Americans unknowingly decided on 9/11.

Right now, everyone calls 2010 “twenty-ten”, which seems a little cumbersome to me. Just plain ol’ “10” seems so strange to me. 10 what? And perhaps some creative soul will come up with some other way. (“Man, remember that time back in ‘one-oh’? That was crazy wasn’t it?”) But by about June or so (or maybe like 2012), a clear front-runner will emerge.

Time will tell.

2. The French will slowly have conquered American sport.

It all started back in 2001 (!) when Tony Parker Longoria began playing pro basketball for that one team in San Antonio. It took a year or three, but he eventually became a speedy little French thorn in the side of pretty much every team in the NBA except my Dallas Mavericks. (Thank you, Devin Harris and J.J. Barea!) The Mavs tried to get in on the fad as well, with the failed Antoine Rigaudeau experiment. (If “failure” can even adequately describe that debacle...)

But it’s stretching beyond basketball now. Pierre Garçon, in his second year as a Colts wide receiver, caught 47 balls from the greatest QB ever, Peyton Manning, for 765 yards of 4 TDs. (To be fair, he was born in West Palm Beach. But that little dangly thing off the ‘c’ in his last name don’t lie.) And then Early Doucet of the Cardinals has himself the game of his life in a playoff epic against Green Bay? Sacre Bleu!!

This trend will only continue. Starting later this year when Thierry Henry joins the LA Galaxy.

3. President Sarah Palin will have led America to a new age of prosperity and rogueness.

Not really. Bwahahahaaa!

BUT she will dominate the early part of the decade with her constant presence in the media. (Think Jerry Springer-like.) It started today, when she inked a deal with the Fox Fake News Network. I have to think she has her own talk show by the end of the year, whether it’s on a news network or not. I predict that her politics will only go so far, and she’ll eventually join the daytime talk elite.

By the midst of the decade, she will be second in American popularity only to her much awesomer twin sister, Tina Fey.

4. Kobe Bryant will have retired. YAY!

5. Dirk Nowitzki will have retired. Boooo.

6. Jason Kidd, at age 46, will have led the Brooklyn Nets (relocated from Jersey) to their first title to close out the decade. Huh?

7. 3DTV will be ubiquitous.

In the last four years, HDTV has stormed onto the entertainment scene. And you’re starting to see 3D do the same sort of thing. Hell, there will already be TVs that convert 2D signals to 3D on the fly in a few months.

This will be no fad, either. But, you could argue it won’t penetrate the market as deeply as HDTV did, because everyone loves a crystal-clear picture, but I feel like the nausea factor might limit 3DTV's use. And besides, would you REALLY want to see C-SPAN 2 in 3D?

8. A woman will play in one of: NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL

Sure, many of you may laugh. You might say the gap between the physical abilities between men and women is significant...not to say better or worse, just really different. My man Dirk Nowitzki on whether women can compete with men in the NBA: “Skills-wise, yeah. But physical-wise, it’s tough. Even all the little guys are pretty strong in this league and pretty athletic.” An NBA exec: “Think about the overall speed, athleticism and strength [in the NBA]. They can’t take the pounding, the wear and tear, the quickness, the strength. It’s not possible for them right now.”

But it’s not really all THAT outlandish, is it? Diana Taurasi and Lisa Leslie? Venus and Serena Williams? You couldn't see the likes of in one of the four major sports leagues? It’s not that hard to imagine, I don’t think.

Ian Thomsen of Sports Illustrated just recently wrote about this prospect in the NBA. Even David Stern, the NBA commish, thinks it possible. And I’ve heard on some talk shows that the prospect is even more possible in baseball or football than in basketball. We’ve already seen female kickers in college football.

It’s hard to deny that it'll take time for this to happen. But not for as long as most people think, I bet.

9. The Simpsons will enjoy its 30-year anniversary.

Why not? And after watching the show's 20th anniversary special last night, I’m betting there are enough fans that can REALLY closely imitate some of these voices should Dan Castellaneta or Julie Kavner retire.

10. None of this matters, because...

Mavericks center Erick Dampier hit a three-pointer the other night:



It’s a sure sign that the Mayans and Roland Emmerick were right. 2012. The apocalypse is nigh...